Ikhlas.

things were difficult lately
i woke up crying or end up losing myself the whole day
i admit, its hard to find yourself when you went down so far
so far that you couldnt grasp your own shadow

things that you love
sometimes you cant grip it
or even sometimes you should let it go
for your own sake

few days back then
i was hit by several comments
they say i should hold it for a moment
and let it go when the time comes

i was okay at first
but slowly the road seems to be too crooked
so once again i fell down my knees
the wound that was already there got deeper
and deeper

i ask myself
am i too strong for this?
am i ready to accept this reality?
such things arent easy to deal with

one thing that always in my mind
is that
how can someone continue the journey
when he or she already know the final destination

just saying.

but then
i push myself so that i keep walking
i
keep helding my head up
because

'behind every storm is a Refuge'
'behind every fall is a rise'
'behind every tear is a cleansing of the eyes'
'and every spot you've ever been stabbed, is a healing'
'and the creation of the skin stronger than it was'

tho sometimes i feel weak
i tell myself that i must strive this
i want to get an A from Him
a magnificent A grade

'because wallahi i have nothing but Your mercy'
'i have nothing but Your promise'

so dear Ana
you are wonderful
you are an amazing person
you can do this

everything will go off oneday
if you can bear and ikhlas with this thing
you will eventually taste the sweetness
and may you are with the righteous one.

amin.

-From Old Ana to New Ana.

The Scene

So saya menanti waktu untuk masuk OT. Puasa sampai 2 kali. Sebab OT tak panggil2 masuk. Sepanjang kat ward, member ade je temankan. Terharu sangat. Even ada kelas, letih2, datang gak lawat aku. Kawan2 coursemates, GEMPITA , Subby plus pegawai , juniors, member2 yang dah lama tak jumpa pun time tu jumpa. Nicee. Ladies gempita setiap malam bertukar tukar orang stay ngn aku. Sumpah terharu. Sedih pun ada sebab terpaksa susahkan korang. Guys pun tolong hantarkan dyrang, belikan makanan. THANK YOU SOO MUCH. Member2 masing masing nak tolong.

Jujur aku cakap, aku tak sempat nak nangis pun sepanjang kat ward. Alih alih nak sedih je tak jadi sebab ada korang. Menghiburkan hati . I can say that. Hahha. Cuma time stay sorang2 tu, start overthinking sikit. Melodrama a bit. Seingat aku, time diorang tolak aku masuk waiting room sebelah OT tu, aku dah start rasa nak nangis. Sebak sebab still xpercaya semua ni jadi. Macam mimpi. Aku stay dlm waiting room tu dalam dua jam gak ahh sebab operation before aku tu drag masa. Sempat tido okay. Tunggu turn ja. Aku harap lepas aku bangun tido tu, everything will be back to normal. Its just a nightmare. Things like that do happen. Then, bila dah terjaga. Still the same room. The same ward apparels. Branula still on my left hand. Aku tak mimpi. Ni semua betul. Crap

Tiba2 adilah datang masuk bilik tu. Aku ingat dia takleh masuk. Yeayy ada adilah. Dilah datang bagi semangat kat aku. Before masuk OT, rmai mesej aku bagi semangat. Hantar doa dari jauh. Terima kasih daun keladi sekalian. Adilah stay tepi aku before diorang panggil aku masuk. Aku takcakap banyak time tu. Dengar cakap dilah je. Dalam hati, Allah je tau betapa takutnya aku nak masuk OT. Bergenang dah . Aku nangis . dilah pegang tangan aku. Aku senyum, aku pujuk diri supaya ikhlas and terima semua ni. Whether mimpi ke reality, aku kene yakin semua ni ade hikmah.

Pup. Nurse datang nak tolak aku masuk. This is it. You go girl !!!

Adilah pun dah kene keluar time tu.bye bye.

Dalam OT, sejuk gila. Confuse tu OT ka bilik mayat. Hmm. Redha je dalam tu. Ntah apa diorang nak buat ngan saya. Huwaaa. Yang seronoknya, doktor2 dalam tu suwekkk. Boleh melawak2 ngn aku. Kira okay ahh depa bagi positive vibes kat aku. Tak delah cuak sangat. Lepas dah kene bius half body, aku berserah. Dah no-receptors dah. 2 jam ssetengah dalam tu. Kejap tido, kejap celik. Yang best, warmer dia letak atas bahu aku. Sedap gilaaaa tidoq. Time dalam OT, chetak datang tunggu. Incase aku keluar awal. Tapi tak sempat jumpa sebab aku still kat dalam. Terima kasih tunggu saya. *sambil buat story kannn.elelelelele hahah

Keluar dari OT, aku stay jap luar tu. Nurse datang check BP smpai dah stable semua barulah tolak masuk ward balik. Time aku keluar dari ward ke OT , Kaklong yang jaga. Ni dari OT ke ward, ada si Arina Ganu. Tersengih dia aku keluar2 OT. Aku mampu pandang dia je. Penat di’operate’. Bizi dia dengan fon. Mesti sitrep kat gempita.

to be continued...